I Knew You Were There
In the morning I woke to meditate and commune with the Holy Spirit. I wanted to clear my mind and focus on His voice.
Albeit images and past memories came to my intellect that I haven’t thought of in years. Traumas that I forgot about. People who hated me (even while feigning friendship) and abused me. Those who manipulated and deceived me.
Consequently, I remember the times that I felt embarrassed and humiliated in life. Bad decisions that I made and unsavory people that I allowed into my life.
Being overwhelmed, I am crying as I write this. Even though I almost allowed myself to think that I was too good for most of them. But I was given the stark realization that I was often lonely and just looking for someone to care, while ignoring the obvious. These relationships were ungodly, and I was just as much at fault.
You Choose how to Respond or React
Even so, I made choices to avenge myself against others reciprocating the same maltreatment. Tit for tat. Justifying myself, knowing that it was wrong because the situations only became more toxic. It was not who I was created to be.
With all the hurt, God spoke to me and said, “Hurt people hurt people”. I cried because the child in me asked Him, “Why did you allow this?” I came to the understanding that He was always there. Confirming when He told me this a few weeks ago.
Even then I had been keenly aware of His presence. I thought about how I had prayed to him to take away my caring heart because I was tired of being used and abused. (I was much younger, a child, and have regretted the outcomes of what I had asked for.)
Many times, my life was spared, literally. It hurts!!! Thinking about these things, made me aware of why we are set apart as peculiar. And the importance of maintaining empathy. To not try to force ungodly people and situations, allowing them reign over our lives.
I am Loved
I forgot how devastating it was for me to be rejected, to be made to feel less than. The foolish manner that I allowed myself to be used in immoral and sexual situations. It is an eye opener. A reminder that I am no better than anyone else.
It is clear that Jesus loves me as I am and has accepted me in spite of everything and wants to have an intimate relationship with me.
The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Omniscient and ever present.
It is painful and it is cleansing. Even though it hurts so much. I am humbled. I am loved. Still crying, but again, I am loved, and I love me.
Originally written on January 21, 2022.